I've read a million birth stories in my time, but never really a miscarriage story so I thought I'd write one to remember my little lost baby. It's over three months since she was lost at 8 weeks 5 days, and mostly the sting has gone. We miss our tiny little one, but we really believe God only had a short entry in his book for her, he never intended her to last longer than the 56 days she spent in my womb. We still loved her very much, and were honoured to be her parents.
I guess the miscarriage part of her story starts on a Saturday in September at 7 weeks 3 days when I had a little spotting. I was concerned, bleeding in pregnancy is always scary and while I had spotted during Otto's pregnancy it had always been on "period anniversaries" which is a known phenomenon. This didn't coincide with one of those, and I also checked my cervix which seemed quite soft and open compared to when I'd checked it a few days before and found it clamped shut. I really felt that this spotting was bad news, but my brother was staying with us so I soldiered on in full pasted-on smile fashion whilst indulging in some advanced knicker-twitching at every opportunity. The bleeding, such as it was, settled and I began to feel a bit silly for all my panic. We had been to the garden centre with my brother and I had bought some bulbs that should flower at the end of April, which was when the baby was due. I began to think they'd be flowering with me with a big bump or newborn, and I'd laugh to remember that I'd bought them to remember a baby who I thought was going to be lost.
The week that followed involved a bit of dark brownish spotting, more of it if I carried Otto. It was always a bit sporadic though, and a little surprise to me. I had some aches that week too, and began to think that I was starting to be properly pregnant with ligament pains and everything. There was a clue or two that week though - I enjoyed a cup of tea on the Thursday (Tea tastes all wrong to me when I'm pregnant), and in writing a forum post to another lady who was spotting I said "I'm spotting too, but I'm thinking positive for me, and I'll think positive for you too". It was strange to see on the screen as I genuinely thought the spotting wasn't bothering me at all, but clearly my subconscious was in a bit of disagreement.
Friday evening came, 8 weeks 2 days, and as I got ready for bed I noticed a fresh loss of a bit of watery blood and some stringy stuff. As I saw that, I think I really knew the baby was lost. I had a bit of pain too, and pain and bleeding in early pregnancy are not good news. I felt calm but numb - there's nothing anyone can do - and went to bed. I didn't put a pad on that night (I'd only just felt "safe" enough to put my pads away til after the birth), and by the morning my pyjamas were soaked through with that funny thin blood.
Over Saturday, things got heavier. I did a pregnancy test and got a beautiful dark line which made me feel a bit better. We went to a car boot that morning where I popped in and out of the loo and sent my mum text updates on the blood situation - it was still fairly light and watery. I agonised over whether to call the out of hours GP, I did in the end and spoke to a friendly female doctor who was just what I needed. She mostly just listened, explained that bleeding doesn't always mean miscarriage but told me that the hospital doesn't scan at weekends so calling my GP first thing on Monday was the way to get scanned if that was what I wanted. I prefer my pregnancies (and life!) unmedicalised, and was actually a bit relieved to have the scan decision taken out of my hands. By that afternoon, the blood had progressed to fresh bright red blood with clotty bits and pain and I knew afresh that our baby had died. We went to one of our favourite nature reserves that afternoon, and I got to see some little native lizards close up for the first time. Otto liked them too, and it felt like a real gift in the midst of our crumbling dreams to have a lovely afternoon just being our family together.
My main memory of Sunday morning was "Your Song" being played by Steve Wright on Sunday Love Songs, and having a big weep as I realised my baby girl wasn't in the world any longer. We only knew she was a girl by parent intuition - there's no other way of knowing at 8 weeks - but I really feel one of the consoling things about losing her was that our feeling that she was our daughter will never be proved wrong.
We must have gone to church on that Sunday, but I don't remember it. That afternoon we went to a housewarming of a shared house in Oxford - very strange mixing of pleasant graduate-style conversation with repeated changing of clotty sanny pads and a very heavy heart. I looked at the little clotty bits and wondered if they were my baby. I really didn't think miscarriage was any more dramatic than that.
That evening I lay in bed half-watching the Help the Heroes concert. Michael came up after a while, and we snuggled together and felt sad. The pain was getting progressively worse over this time, and once the light was off Mike went off to sleep whilst I found myself attempting to deal with contractions whilst lying down in bed (totally against all my personal philosophies!) with just a hot water bottle for relief. I knew I could have taken painkillers, but Otto was born at home without pain relief, and I wanted to see the miscarriage through without pain relief too, if I could. It felt like something I could do for this baby who I'd never get to mother.
So there I lay, half asleep and in lots of pain. I did debate getting up but I just wanted to be close to my husband, and for my son to stay asleep and I felt that staying put was the best way of achieving both! At about 1am I thought I probably ought to get up and change my pad as the bleeding was pretty heavy. As I sat up and left the bed, I felt something slide out of me. I got to the bedroom door before deciding to wake Michael as I was scared of what I might see.
We went to the bathroom together and I tipped the stuff that had fallen onto the pad into a glass ramekin that I'd used for my pregnancy test the previous day. To my amazement, the "stuff" was a round placenta-y blob about the size of the palm of my hand, and attached to it was my kidney-bean of a baby. It was quite amazing, I had no expectation of actually seeing her but there she was, our tiny girl. I sent Mike to get my "In the Womb" book, and we compared the tiny person in the ramekin to the illustrations in the book. She looked just like a six-week embryo, development wise, but her size was true to her gestation of just over 8 weeks. Seeing her really helped me to realise that she really was not built to last, her development had obviously stopped, and it wasn't just a case of my body shoving out a happy, growing baby. It was a shock to see her, but I was so grateful to be able to see her and thank God for her, our tiny baby. Michael had a plant that needed potting up so we decided to do that, and bury our baby at the same time. We had never planned to name her as we didn't feel someone who died while still a tiny embryo needed anything as formal and worldly as a name, but given that I'd seen her, I wanted to name her. We chose Angharad, a Welsh name I've always loved but never thought I'd be able to use. It means "Greatly Beloved" which is exactly what our baby was.
Otto woke up not long after she was buried, I was still bleeding very heavily, almost postnatal style, and in a lot of pain but we all went back up to bed. I fell asleep quite easily, having my boy and husband snuggled up to me was a great comfort.
It took about another week for the miscarriage to complete, a stubborn bit of pregnancy stuff was hanging around and the amount of bleeding and level of pain were quite hair-raising. It was a terrible week, by the end I had no trousers that weren't bloodstained, and I was exhausted from the blood loss, pain and grief. I ended up with a couple of hospital visits as there was a bit of a concern over infection. The encounter with the gynae ward was horrible, so matter of fact, but the Urgent Gynae clinic the next day helped a lot by just offering kindness and concern. I had a lovely chat with the sonographer - usually she's scanning women who are frightened, and often has to break bad news (the day I was there she'd scanned 12 women, and only two had viable pregnancies), but as I knew my baby had gone I was quite relaxed and just happy to talk to someone about my miscarriage. It was a traumatic time; nothing I'd read reflected the real experience of miscarriage. Books offer "helpful" advice about it being better to be up and about if you can manage it - this to someone who is in labour like pain and has lost what feels like pints of blood.
Still, time has healed a bit and while we miss our baby the agony is not what it was. Sometimes we're sad, but mostly I just feel grateful to have had her in our family just for that short period. Hers was a blissfully easy pregnancy, and I loved carrying her.
Ben Jonson. 1573–1637
Friday, 31 December 2010
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
5w 6d
Feeling very well at the moment! I could get used to this :-) Very sleepy, but having a boy who usually does two naps helps with that. Snoooze.
I did go back to the optician, and he said my prescription was completely wrong. I thought as much, and probably should have trusted my judgement when I first put them on and they felt bonkers! I am soooo looking forward to getting the remodelled edition back and being able to see again. It is pretty wretched having wrong specs. I did mention that I was pregnant to the optician chap, Jemma, but he said that at this stage it wouldn't have had any impact. I assumed that was the case, and to be fair if everyone's eyes changed this much in pregnancy then pregnant women would bang into things a LOT! ;-)
Otherwise there is not much to report. I still think the baby is a girl, and it makes it easier to refer to her as such anyway, given that the existing baby is a boy. I haven't been to the doctor or anything yet, I don't really see the point at this stage as either the baby will survive or not, and I don't really need a doctor for that! I am on a comittee that is pushing the county on getting every woman booked with the midwife before 12 weeks so I suppose I ought to see a doctor in time to make sure I am helping my own cause! As I'm not having scans it doesn't feel like there's any rush really though.
Oooh, they're selling wigs on the shopping channel. I love the wig programme!
In summary, few symptoms except for being grumpy, tired and a tiny bit crampy. Kind of enough symptoms to keep me happy, but not too many. Long may it last I say!
I did go back to the optician, and he said my prescription was completely wrong. I thought as much, and probably should have trusted my judgement when I first put them on and they felt bonkers! I am soooo looking forward to getting the remodelled edition back and being able to see again. It is pretty wretched having wrong specs. I did mention that I was pregnant to the optician chap, Jemma, but he said that at this stage it wouldn't have had any impact. I assumed that was the case, and to be fair if everyone's eyes changed this much in pregnancy then pregnant women would bang into things a LOT! ;-)
Otherwise there is not much to report. I still think the baby is a girl, and it makes it easier to refer to her as such anyway, given that the existing baby is a boy. I haven't been to the doctor or anything yet, I don't really see the point at this stage as either the baby will survive or not, and I don't really need a doctor for that! I am on a comittee that is pushing the county on getting every woman booked with the midwife before 12 weeks so I suppose I ought to see a doctor in time to make sure I am helping my own cause! As I'm not having scans it doesn't feel like there's any rush really though.
Oooh, they're selling wigs on the shopping channel. I love the wig programme!
In summary, few symptoms except for being grumpy, tired and a tiny bit crampy. Kind of enough symptoms to keep me happy, but not too many. Long may it last I say!
Friday, 20 August 2010
5w 2d
Nothing to say, but blogging anyway. Still pregnant as far as I know...this stage of having nothing to show for it except for dry pants and a faded line on a stick is a bit odd. I do trust there is a baby in there.
I have bought some fabby fabby fabric to make the baby a patchwork quilt, I am rather excited about it. I've also been feeling quite rough the past day or two, but urgent poo and achy joints style rough so think it might be a bug. Otherwise I'm doing OK. Oh, except for the specs debacle. Otto pulled apart my old specs, so I had a week in prescription sunnies waiting for my new ones to arrive, and now I've had the new ones for several days but I swear they aren't right at all. I can't focus on anything more than 10m away. Going for a re-test tomorrow, hoping this can all be sorted before I have first trimester blurrrgh to cope with along with fuzzy vision and attendant headaches.
I still thik the baby is a girl, we now have one girls name and a fabuolous trio of boy's names. I do like name hunting, except for those stressy preggy moments when you know you'll never find the right one and the baby will be nameless forevvverrrr.....
Not much more to say, and I ought to go to bed.
Oh, I did wonder if this baby can possibly be as nice as Otto? I fear not :-s
I have bought some fabby fabby fabric to make the baby a patchwork quilt, I am rather excited about it. I've also been feeling quite rough the past day or two, but urgent poo and achy joints style rough so think it might be a bug. Otherwise I'm doing OK. Oh, except for the specs debacle. Otto pulled apart my old specs, so I had a week in prescription sunnies waiting for my new ones to arrive, and now I've had the new ones for several days but I swear they aren't right at all. I can't focus on anything more than 10m away. Going for a re-test tomorrow, hoping this can all be sorted before I have first trimester blurrrgh to cope with along with fuzzy vision and attendant headaches.
I still thik the baby is a girl, we now have one girls name and a fabuolous trio of boy's names. I do like name hunting, except for those stressy preggy moments when you know you'll never find the right one and the baby will be nameless forevvverrrr.....
Not much more to say, and I ought to go to bed.
Oh, I did wonder if this baby can possibly be as nice as Otto? I fear not :-s
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Thanks!
Wow, I have people who commented! Thanks guys! This is the only place I'm talking about it at the moment as Michael won't let me post on forums yet, and it is waaay too early for facebook.
Tonight I am feeling impatient. Can I have my baby now please? I hate the miscarriage risk of early pregnancy, and I want a bump! And to tell people. Gfft.
I'm enjoying this "sweet spot" of early pregnancy at the moment - I remember this bit from Otto! Morning sickness started with him dead on six weeks, so I'm expecting that kind of thing again. Maybe I shouldn't though, and employ the power of positive thought and prayer. This bit of pregnancy seems to mostly involve wanting to eat more, drink more and sleep more. I can handle that, although operation not-gaining-three-stone is hoping to have some influence on the eating part. I don't want to eat less food, just fewer cream cakes than last time!
I bought the baby a very nice bunny toy today, I wanted to get something to recognise she exists and to belong to her. Otto has a bunny I bought for him before I was pregnant (not that he gives the toy the time of day, but I like it!) so maybe this will become a little family tradition. At the moment, as you may be able to tell, I am totally thinking this baby is a girl. We're planning to decline scans this pregnancy, so we won't find out til I push the baby out. I'm excited about that, finding out was totally the right thing with Otto but this time we would be perfectly happy with either a boy or a girl so waiting sounds like the right thing to do. We'd be hard pushed to find out without having a scan too, though I imagine we might do some wedding ring wafting at some point!
I also realllllly want to get making for this baby, but I have a couple of WIPs to crack on with first. Impatient, impatient impatient.
We've gone off all our girl names too. Suggestions welcome!
Tonight I am feeling impatient. Can I have my baby now please? I hate the miscarriage risk of early pregnancy, and I want a bump! And to tell people. Gfft.
I'm enjoying this "sweet spot" of early pregnancy at the moment - I remember this bit from Otto! Morning sickness started with him dead on six weeks, so I'm expecting that kind of thing again. Maybe I shouldn't though, and employ the power of positive thought and prayer. This bit of pregnancy seems to mostly involve wanting to eat more, drink more and sleep more. I can handle that, although operation not-gaining-three-stone is hoping to have some influence on the eating part. I don't want to eat less food, just fewer cream cakes than last time!
I bought the baby a very nice bunny toy today, I wanted to get something to recognise she exists and to belong to her. Otto has a bunny I bought for him before I was pregnant (not that he gives the toy the time of day, but I like it!) so maybe this will become a little family tradition. At the moment, as you may be able to tell, I am totally thinking this baby is a girl. We're planning to decline scans this pregnancy, so we won't find out til I push the baby out. I'm excited about that, finding out was totally the right thing with Otto but this time we would be perfectly happy with either a boy or a girl so waiting sounds like the right thing to do. We'd be hard pushed to find out without having a scan too, though I imagine we might do some wedding ring wafting at some point!
I also realllllly want to get making for this baby, but I have a couple of WIPs to crack on with first. Impatient, impatient impatient.
We've gone off all our girl names too. Suggestions welcome!
Monday, 9 August 2010
Second Pea on the Way!
Ha, well that happened sooner than planned! Seems loose interpretation of fertile times combined with feeling a pregnancy wouldn't be a disaster = pregnancy! I'm very excited and happy, though a little daunted too!
Unfortunately my charting was all over the place this month (as has been life, really!) so I'm not quite sure when I ovulated or how many DPO I am. I would say about 12 as tests have been showing lines only the past day or two and I think my first positive with Otts was at 9 dpo? I've been testing for a week though and I'm sure one of the really early ones had a line on it.
Just thought I'd note a few symptoms here, they're all tangled with a tummy bug that hit me hard just after ovulation so I'm not excatly sure what's what, but I thought I'd note them for reference:
- Going off tea (I love tea, this one hurts! Michael says tea is a more effective indicator of pregnancy than internet cheapies!)
- Bruised-feeling boobs and a sort of dragging pain in them while feeding.
- More thirsty than usual and prone to feeling a bit weak and wobbly
- Nausea - though I'm not nauseaous now, so this might have been the bug? It did go off if I ate, but it was not fun at all.
- Blue lady bits! There's random for you!
- Hyper sensitive nose
That's all I can think of for now. Be back soon, or maybe in many weeks? Who knows with my sporadic blogging.
Oh, I meant to record my weight as well, 10st 5oz. I am totally not planning to put 3st on this pregnancy as I did last time!
Unfortunately my charting was all over the place this month (as has been life, really!) so I'm not quite sure when I ovulated or how many DPO I am. I would say about 12 as tests have been showing lines only the past day or two and I think my first positive with Otts was at 9 dpo? I've been testing for a week though and I'm sure one of the really early ones had a line on it.
Just thought I'd note a few symptoms here, they're all tangled with a tummy bug that hit me hard just after ovulation so I'm not excatly sure what's what, but I thought I'd note them for reference:
- Going off tea (I love tea, this one hurts! Michael says tea is a more effective indicator of pregnancy than internet cheapies!)
- Bruised-feeling boobs and a sort of dragging pain in them while feeding.
- More thirsty than usual and prone to feeling a bit weak and wobbly
- Nausea - though I'm not nauseaous now, so this might have been the bug? It did go off if I ate, but it was not fun at all.
- Blue lady bits! There's random for you!
- Hyper sensitive nose
That's all I can think of for now. Be back soon, or maybe in many weeks? Who knows with my sporadic blogging.
Oh, I meant to record my weight as well, 10st 5oz. I am totally not planning to put 3st on this pregnancy as I did last time!
Friday, 23 July 2010
Thinking of a second Pea
Ha, I didn't even update this blog to say Otto was born. He was, on the 18th of February 2009 at home. He's absolutely fab, 17 months old now and turning into a little boy rather than a baby. Which of course means time for another!!
We think we will start trying next cycle, so it will be at least a 2 year 3 month age gap, which is pretty much my minimum. Part of me would like a two and a half year gap but I cannot fight the broodiness much longer.
That's about it really, just a quick update :-)
We think we will start trying next cycle, so it will be at least a 2 year 3 month age gap, which is pretty much my minimum. Part of me would like a two and a half year gap but I cannot fight the broodiness much longer.
That's about it really, just a quick update :-)
Sunday, 5 October 2008
20 Weeks!
I'm now 20 weeks and celebratory mood! Hurrah! Properly pregnant now! I would say half way, but who knows when Pea will pop out. I'm not at all sure he'll be here before 42 weeks, if that :-) Plus, I wasn't at all pregnant for the first two weeks of those 20. Basically, I don't want to get too excited about being half way, because there is a long old way to go yet! So glad I don't have to do a first trimester with this baby again though. That part was really not so fun.
Pea is now a real wiggle-worm. Last night was the first time we both were able to feel him kick from the outside. That was really amazing, there's actually a baby in there :-) With sharp little feet! He was doing more kick practice this afternoon too. I think he's gearing up for our big scan tomorrow.
I can't believe the big scan is tomorrow! I'm trying not to get too tooo excited in case Pea is of a modest persuasion and does not wish to spread his legs. I'm not too worked up about 'seeing' him again - it will be super-lovely, but as we might well decline all scans with our other babies, I don't think scans should be the high point of pregnancy really.
It is amazing though that tomorrow we might well know if our family is going to start with a son or daughter! Yeeps!
Ooh, I almost forgot! I weighed myself and I've put on exactly a stone so far this pregnancy - I've gone from 9st dead to 10st dead. How very neat of me!
Pea is now a real wiggle-worm. Last night was the first time we both were able to feel him kick from the outside. That was really amazing, there's actually a baby in there :-) With sharp little feet! He was doing more kick practice this afternoon too. I think he's gearing up for our big scan tomorrow.
I can't believe the big scan is tomorrow! I'm trying not to get too tooo excited in case Pea is of a modest persuasion and does not wish to spread his legs. I'm not too worked up about 'seeing' him again - it will be super-lovely, but as we might well decline all scans with our other babies, I don't think scans should be the high point of pregnancy really.
It is amazing though that tomorrow we might well know if our family is going to start with a son or daughter! Yeeps!
Ooh, I almost forgot! I weighed myself and I've put on exactly a stone so far this pregnancy - I've gone from 9st dead to 10st dead. How very neat of me!
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Sunday, 7 September 2008
16 weeks
I suppose I ought to update here! What a lax blogger am I. I thought I'd be fascinated by every detail of my pregnancy but I'm, um, not! I think I like it just washing over me!
I've gone spotty this past week, which I think is worth recording for next time. I also had a little bleeding at 14 weeks - I call it bleeding, just brown squidge really. It didn't last long, and a bit of diary-bashing revealed it was my period anniversary, so I've put it down to that.
I have a proper bump now! People even want to feel it, which is strange but OK I think! It's all been women I know, so it's fine. I do not want strange men rubbing my tummy!
I'll put scan pics up this entry too - better late than never, eh. Here they are. Apparently it's quite unusual for the baby to be face down, like Pea was. The lady seemed to think we'd be unable to interpret the pictures. It's really not that hard! The white line at the top is Peazle's little spine. His head's on the left, and one the second one you can see his arms.
Emma, I think you asked why we originally declined a 12 week scan? A couple of reasons really.
First, I didn't think it was medically necessary - we know my ovulation date down to the hour (which the scan proved), and I'm not completely convinced on the safety of scans, especially in early pregnancy.
Second, we love our baby and don't care if he/she is normal. This is a choice, and quite a scary one! Recently a friend of ours had a baby with Down's Syndrome (whom, incidentally, I had a lovely time snuggling yesterday). It was at a routine 12 week dating scan that it became apparent that the baby was developing differently. At that point, my friend was told that the baby had a 50% chance of survival, and a very high chance of having a chromosomal abnormality if it did survive. After that followed 8 weeks of torment for my friend, until at 20 weeks it became apparent that the baby would probably live, but have Down's Syndrome. Throughout, the medical expectation was that our friends would choose to terminate the pregnancy. It is rare in our society for parents to choose to love and cherish an unborn baby with a disability. We felt that if Pea was going to die, we'd much rather not know, and cope with his death rather than have to cope with any amount of worry and concern AND his death. And, if Pea is going to live, we love him. As I said, this is a scary choice as it might mean having a child with disabilities so severe that he is forever constantly dependent. Most likely, it just means commiting to loving a 'normal' healthy child. In short, we declined the scan because we felt there was no emotional or medical advantage to seeing our baby on screen whilst he is scrutinised. We'll decline dating scans with future children for the same reasons. We don't believe anything about our baby is a mistake, or outside of God's plan for our family.
I've gone spotty this past week, which I think is worth recording for next time. I also had a little bleeding at 14 weeks - I call it bleeding, just brown squidge really. It didn't last long, and a bit of diary-bashing revealed it was my period anniversary, so I've put it down to that.
I have a proper bump now! People even want to feel it, which is strange but OK I think! It's all been women I know, so it's fine. I do not want strange men rubbing my tummy!
I'll put scan pics up this entry too - better late than never, eh. Here they are. Apparently it's quite unusual for the baby to be face down, like Pea was. The lady seemed to think we'd be unable to interpret the pictures. It's really not that hard! The white line at the top is Peazle's little spine. His head's on the left, and one the second one you can see his arms.
Emma, I think you asked why we originally declined a 12 week scan? A couple of reasons really.
First, I didn't think it was medically necessary - we know my ovulation date down to the hour (which the scan proved), and I'm not completely convinced on the safety of scans, especially in early pregnancy.
Second, we love our baby and don't care if he/she is normal. This is a choice, and quite a scary one! Recently a friend of ours had a baby with Down's Syndrome (whom, incidentally, I had a lovely time snuggling yesterday). It was at a routine 12 week dating scan that it became apparent that the baby was developing differently. At that point, my friend was told that the baby had a 50% chance of survival, and a very high chance of having a chromosomal abnormality if it did survive. After that followed 8 weeks of torment for my friend, until at 20 weeks it became apparent that the baby would probably live, but have Down's Syndrome. Throughout, the medical expectation was that our friends would choose to terminate the pregnancy. It is rare in our society for parents to choose to love and cherish an unborn baby with a disability. We felt that if Pea was going to die, we'd much rather not know, and cope with his death rather than have to cope with any amount of worry and concern AND his death. And, if Pea is going to live, we love him. As I said, this is a scary choice as it might mean having a child with disabilities so severe that he is forever constantly dependent. Most likely, it just means commiting to loving a 'normal' healthy child. In short, we declined the scan because we felt there was no emotional or medical advantage to seeing our baby on screen whilst he is scrutinised. We'll decline dating scans with future children for the same reasons. We don't believe anything about our baby is a mistake, or outside of God's plan for our family.
Thursday, 21 August 2008
13w 4d
Well, Pea is one baby! I'm really chuffed...homebirth, more breast than babies, being able to use the xplory and make do with our car! I don't think I have any pang at all at losing the twin dream - a scan is such a nice way to find out as who could be disappointed whilst looking at their tiny new baby on the screen?
The scan was great - I think we'll still decline a dating scan with future pregnancies, but it was lots of fun. I immediately explained to the sonographer that we'd originally declined, and why, which meant that she understood where we were coming from. She was a Christian too, which was particularly lovely. She made it apparent that there was one baby from the start - last week she began a straightforward dating scan to find three babies inside! Apparently their mother was shocked to say the least!
Pea measures perfectly on my dates - not sure if they'll change my official due date as they are only two days different, and I like the two days buffer before induction talk starts!
Michael's just scanning the pictures. I feel very protective of them...our tiny grey blob is very precious, and I'm not keen on other people thinking he just looks like a tiny grey blob! It was brill to see him wiggling and waving his little arms. It still seems very bizarre that there's actually a baby in there!
The scan was great - I think we'll still decline a dating scan with future pregnancies, but it was lots of fun. I immediately explained to the sonographer that we'd originally declined, and why, which meant that she understood where we were coming from. She was a Christian too, which was particularly lovely. She made it apparent that there was one baby from the start - last week she began a straightforward dating scan to find three babies inside! Apparently their mother was shocked to say the least!
Pea measures perfectly on my dates - not sure if they'll change my official due date as they are only two days different, and I like the two days buffer before induction talk starts!
Michael's just scanning the pictures. I feel very protective of them...our tiny grey blob is very precious, and I'm not keen on other people thinking he just looks like a tiny grey blob! It was brill to see him wiggling and waving his little arms. It still seems very bizarre that there's actually a baby in there!
Monday, 18 August 2008
Scan Thursday!
Just a quick entry to say that the scan appointment has come through for this Thursday! I'm all of a flutter...I don't like uncertainty at all, but I'm not entirely sure if certainty is better. Twin certainty seems rather alarming, particularly. I'm rather enjoying my twin fantasies though - if it's a singleton, I shall have to get back down to earth. Mind, I can start thinking happy homebirth and babywearing thoughts once again!
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Thursday, 14 August 2008
12 weeks 4 days
Well, I saw the midwife today as promised. All well with me, lovely rich red blood, nice clean wee, and beautiful blood pressure.
We heard Pea's little heart beating away...he really is in there! She found it straight away, after the customary do not panic if I don't find it straight away/at all talk. Michael was thrilled, and had the presence of mind to record the sound on his phone. Pea sounds like a little steam train going through a tunnel.
The fun part is that she felt my uterus was much more like a 14 or 15 week uterus. Can you see where this is going?! She assumed my dates were just a few weeks out, but I could assure her that they're not! I watched my tests go from BFN at 7 DPO, through pale second lines to a digital positive at 10 DPO. Plus I know my temps and my body! So, either Pea is a big baby enjoying much personal space in a super deluxe giant amniotic sac, or he's two Peas! TWO Peas! Possibly twins people! My golly gosh!
Given this, we agreed to book in for a scan in the next couple of weeks. If I have a license to eat for three, I need to know! The midwife didn't seem to imply that the extra growth could be down to anything sinister, so I'm just excited. I know there's a healthy baby in there - and possibly its brother or sister has come along for the ride! :-)
I'm actually very reassured that I'm measuring big. I certainly feel that I look far more bumpy than anyone 12 weeks pregnant should. I love it really...I've waited a long while for this bump!
We heard Pea's little heart beating away...he really is in there! She found it straight away, after the customary do not panic if I don't find it straight away/at all talk. Michael was thrilled, and had the presence of mind to record the sound on his phone. Pea sounds like a little steam train going through a tunnel.
The fun part is that she felt my uterus was much more like a 14 or 15 week uterus. Can you see where this is going?! She assumed my dates were just a few weeks out, but I could assure her that they're not! I watched my tests go from BFN at 7 DPO, through pale second lines to a digital positive at 10 DPO. Plus I know my temps and my body! So, either Pea is a big baby enjoying much personal space in a super deluxe giant amniotic sac, or he's two Peas! TWO Peas! Possibly twins people! My golly gosh!
Given this, we agreed to book in for a scan in the next couple of weeks. If I have a license to eat for three, I need to know! The midwife didn't seem to imply that the extra growth could be down to anything sinister, so I'm just excited. I know there's a healthy baby in there - and possibly its brother or sister has come along for the ride! :-)
I'm actually very reassured that I'm measuring big. I certainly feel that I look far more bumpy than anyone 12 weeks pregnant should. I love it really...I've waited a long while for this bump!
Thursday, 7 August 2008
11 weeks 4 days
Yikes! I'm getting really pregnant! And updating, because Alice told me to :-)
I'm feeling lots better - week 10 was something of a watershed for me. The sickness is much more morning sickness and hunger sickness than all day, which is a relief. I'm still feeling a bit grotty, but lots better. Pea has been behaving beautifully, no cause for concern anywhere. I had some awful period style pains today, but think it might be my uterus protesting at my normal jeans! I've got quite a bump now, although I felt rather hurt today as my friend at work described it as being 'all food'! There's a baby the size of a lime in there somewhere, so I can't think it's all food! I think I'm going to need to graduate to maternity jeans soon as I'm very fed up of having tummy ache from baby compression.
The baby now has a buggy - a Stokke Xplory, the buggy we chose many months ago! It's enormous and very imposing, but means Pea can face me at chatting height until he's a confident walker. It was an ebay "bargain", still very expensive! We have money for Pea's things based on some money left to me when my Gran died last year...otherwise we'd really struggle.
I'm convinced Pea is a boy. He just feels like a boyish tenant! My Dad had a dream about a little boy too. We now have a frontrunner boy's name (which I love!), so I'm rather excited! We hope to find out for certain at my 20 week scan (on the 6th of October...squeak!). We're seeing the midwife on Thursday (a week today) to hopefully hear Pea's heart, which is rather exciting. We can also then TELL PEOPLE!!! Hoo-jolly-ray! Part of me wishes I had a doppler (and thank you for your kind offer, Ali), but most of me thinks that I'd either get a bit obsessed or panicky if I couldn't find the baby's heart, and I'm seeking to avoid that kind of intervention as much as possible. I just want to trust Jesus and Pea to sort it out between them, and I'll keep on providing the womb.
I had new baby squidges with my friend's baby yesterday :-) I'm so glad I'm growing one of my own!
I'm feeling lots better - week 10 was something of a watershed for me. The sickness is much more morning sickness and hunger sickness than all day, which is a relief. I'm still feeling a bit grotty, but lots better. Pea has been behaving beautifully, no cause for concern anywhere. I had some awful period style pains today, but think it might be my uterus protesting at my normal jeans! I've got quite a bump now, although I felt rather hurt today as my friend at work described it as being 'all food'! There's a baby the size of a lime in there somewhere, so I can't think it's all food! I think I'm going to need to graduate to maternity jeans soon as I'm very fed up of having tummy ache from baby compression.
The baby now has a buggy - a Stokke Xplory, the buggy we chose many months ago! It's enormous and very imposing, but means Pea can face me at chatting height until he's a confident walker. It was an ebay "bargain", still very expensive! We have money for Pea's things based on some money left to me when my Gran died last year...otherwise we'd really struggle.
I'm convinced Pea is a boy. He just feels like a boyish tenant! My Dad had a dream about a little boy too. We now have a frontrunner boy's name (which I love!), so I'm rather excited! We hope to find out for certain at my 20 week scan (on the 6th of October...squeak!). We're seeing the midwife on Thursday (a week today) to hopefully hear Pea's heart, which is rather exciting. We can also then TELL PEOPLE!!! Hoo-jolly-ray! Part of me wishes I had a doppler (and thank you for your kind offer, Ali), but most of me thinks that I'd either get a bit obsessed or panicky if I couldn't find the baby's heart, and I'm seeking to avoid that kind of intervention as much as possible. I just want to trust Jesus and Pea to sort it out between them, and I'll keep on providing the womb.
I had new baby squidges with my friend's baby yesterday :-) I'm so glad I'm growing one of my own!
Monday, 21 July 2008
9 weeks 1 day
Yay! Readers! Thank you girls! Although now I feel under pressure to say something interesting. Crumbs.
Well, I'm over nine weeks now. Time does pass. A friend asked if I was having a nice pregnancy the other day, and it took me by surprise. I think the honest answer is that it's OK. I don't love being pregnant yet, much as I love Pea. I don't find feeling sick a lot of the time nice, though I'm getting throughly used to it, which helps. It never occurred to me how uncomfortable the whole thing would be - not just the sickness, but aches and cramps and weird feelings inside. Feeling too full, which I suppose I am. I hope that gets better once my uterus pops out! I don't mind being tired at all, probably mostly due to having a lovely husband who does much more than his fair share and lets me go to bed at 9. I also love to sleep, so an excuse to nap is nice! I think what will be great is being able to TELL people. A fair few know already, but so many don't, and I have to pretend that actually I'm really fulfilled working in a shop and am not interested in a career at all. Which isn't true - I've found a new career, and I can deal with staying at the shop until my start date in February. After which, the 9-5ness of the shop will probably seem a whole lot more appealing!
It's interesting how much excitement about things in life is generated by others. I think Pea will seem a lot more real once all our friends are excited too. We think we're going to put off telling people until we've heard the baby's heart beating. I'm not actually sure when that will be - I'll see what the midwife thinks on Thursday.
Well, I'm over nine weeks now. Time does pass. A friend asked if I was having a nice pregnancy the other day, and it took me by surprise. I think the honest answer is that it's OK. I don't love being pregnant yet, much as I love Pea. I don't find feeling sick a lot of the time nice, though I'm getting throughly used to it, which helps. It never occurred to me how uncomfortable the whole thing would be - not just the sickness, but aches and cramps and weird feelings inside. Feeling too full, which I suppose I am. I hope that gets better once my uterus pops out! I don't mind being tired at all, probably mostly due to having a lovely husband who does much more than his fair share and lets me go to bed at 9. I also love to sleep, so an excuse to nap is nice! I think what will be great is being able to TELL people. A fair few know already, but so many don't, and I have to pretend that actually I'm really fulfilled working in a shop and am not interested in a career at all. Which isn't true - I've found a new career, and I can deal with staying at the shop until my start date in February. After which, the 9-5ness of the shop will probably seem a whole lot more appealing!
It's interesting how much excitement about things in life is generated by others. I think Pea will seem a lot more real once all our friends are excited too. We think we're going to put off telling people until we've heard the baby's heart beating. I'm not actually sure when that will be - I'll see what the midwife thinks on Thursday.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
8 weeks, and home from holiday
Eight weeks - how satisfying does that sound? And somewhere, deep inside, my baby is starting to look like a baby and not like a fish. Hooray! I had a scare yesterday, with an absolutely tiny amount of ever-so-slightly brownish-pink stained discharge (sorry for the detail!). All gone now though, symptoms as fun as ever and cervix absolutely clamped shut, so I think all is OK yet. I'm also DETERMINED not to give in to a spirit of fear over this pregnancy.
I'm not sure if I like this Blogger business yet. It feels so much less friendly than diaryland. But it's easy to use and reliable. Diaryland is such a relatively small community though...and I've been there since the days when an online diary was a really weird idea. I'm lost amongst all these great and good blogs!
Maybe I will link from Diaryland, and see if I get some readers. Readers definitely help!
Feeling odd today as transitioning home from holiday. I love both home and holiday, but the middle bit is rather peculiar.
I'm not sure if I like this Blogger business yet. It feels so much less friendly than diaryland. But it's easy to use and reliable. Diaryland is such a relatively small community though...and I've been there since the days when an online diary was a really weird idea. I'm lost amongst all these great and good blogs!
Maybe I will link from Diaryland, and see if I get some readers. Readers definitely help!
Feeling odd today as transitioning home from holiday. I love both home and holiday, but the middle bit is rather peculiar.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Six weeks three days
Hurrah, six weeks three days! I like these passing weeks that bring me closer to my baby and further from miscarriage statistics. I must say that Little Pea seems quite happy in there so I have no cause to worry.
Symptoms have changed a lot over the last two and a half weeks. Initially, I was very hungry and very tired, with exciting cravings (marmite, mackerel, guacamole...). It was great, just like being a man! I've never had a real love of food, so it was quite a revelation to me to sit thinking dreamily of what I could eat next.
Last week (sixth week...as in being 5 weeks x days pregnant), things got a little more complex, and this, my seventh week, has been all-out nausea. It came on pretty much exactly at 6 weeks, down to lunchtime - the four week anniversary of my ovulation. I feel ROUGH!! Constantly sicky, sort of based in my mouth throat (gaggy I suppose, but with extra sickiness). I have discovered a whole new world of really vile smells. I don't think the work smell helps either! I was actually sick today, only a little, but hope this is not the shape of things to come.
Food is a problem, I keep eating but do not fancy what I'm eating much! The thought of tastes really turn my stomach. I'm also weeing at least once nightly, and last night went to bed at 8pm.
I really don't mind though. It's such an honour to be pregnant, and I love my tiny companion! Symptoms are so reassuring too. I had my first doctor's appointment this week, and merrily declined my 12 week scan - a liberating experience! The doctor makes my "due" date 2 days later than I do, which is fine by me. The more cooking time Pea gets, the better.
Symptoms have changed a lot over the last two and a half weeks. Initially, I was very hungry and very tired, with exciting cravings (marmite, mackerel, guacamole...). It was great, just like being a man! I've never had a real love of food, so it was quite a revelation to me to sit thinking dreamily of what I could eat next.
Last week (sixth week...as in being 5 weeks x days pregnant), things got a little more complex, and this, my seventh week, has been all-out nausea. It came on pretty much exactly at 6 weeks, down to lunchtime - the four week anniversary of my ovulation. I feel ROUGH!! Constantly sicky, sort of based in my mouth throat (gaggy I suppose, but with extra sickiness). I have discovered a whole new world of really vile smells. I don't think the work smell helps either! I was actually sick today, only a little, but hope this is not the shape of things to come.
Food is a problem, I keep eating but do not fancy what I'm eating much! The thought of tastes really turn my stomach. I'm also weeing at least once nightly, and last night went to bed at 8pm.
I really don't mind though. It's such an honour to be pregnant, and I love my tiny companion! Symptoms are so reassuring too. I had my first doctor's appointment this week, and merrily declined my 12 week scan - a liberating experience! The doctor makes my "due" date 2 days later than I do, which is fine by me. The more cooking time Pea gets, the better.
Saturday, 14 June 2008
First Pea!
A new era - a new blog. Maybe I'll even keep this one up! It's been an exciting week for our family, my 26th birthday on Tuesday and the news that our first little Pea is on his/her way.
We're over the moon...it has been a long wait! Not for Pea to come - I'm still amazed that we conceived the first cycle we tried - but for the time to be right. We both feel a real family calling and are so exciting to be welcoming a new member to our little gang!
We're well aware that it's early days yet - Pea was conceived less than a fortnight ago. Things are looking good though - high temperatures, plenty of symptoms, only the faintest of pink spotting. We hope our baby is here to stay, and have no fear in planning as if this is the case. If the baby dies, it dies, but we don't want to pretend it never lived. We have faith for our little one to be around for many, many years yet.
I suspected Pea was in evidence on Tuesday - my birthday - the first time I've ever seen anything non-imaginary on a pregnancy test during the time limit. So faint though, and Michael seems to think that internet cheapy tests make up pregnancies just for the fun of it. The line got darker and darker as the days went by, and on Friday I finally cracked out a digital test to prove my doubting beloved wrong!
It was very good to have proof, because if I wasn't pregnant then I was not sure what could be wrong with me! Nauseous, pathetically weak, sleepy, no pmt, weird bitter taste in my mouth and amazing x-ray style sense of smell. Oh and incredibly sore breasts - a kind of electric, lime green soreness. This is useful, as if I become anxious that little Pea has somehow dropped out without me noticing, a short, sharp nipple prod is all it takes to assure me that she is still very much in evidence!
Food is interesting...my meals aren't much bigger, but I feel the need for a lot of small snacks. Savoury too - sweet has lost a lot of its appeal. Are savoury 'cravings' meant to mean boy? I can't remember. I've refrained from slugs, snails and puppy dog's tails though. Give that little Pea consists of three layers of cells at the moment, I suppose musing on his/her gender is a little premature.
It's lovely how excited other people are. My mum was a little shocked, to say the least, but the reaction is entirely positive. Babies are the best news there is! Most of our real-life friends won't be told for some time, so having online people to share the excitement with is really lovely. I had a trip to Mothercare this morning, just because I have a valid reason to now, and it was great to feel bump solidarity rather than bump envy. Not that I have a bump, but I am pregnant, and free to plan for my baby! Other than the bumps, and spying on a lady with an Xplory, the visit was fairly dull as I'm not really a Mothercare kind of girl. I did get rather soggy over the sleepsuits though. My own sleepsuit-wearer! We are blessed indeed.
We're over the moon...it has been a long wait! Not for Pea to come - I'm still amazed that we conceived the first cycle we tried - but for the time to be right. We both feel a real family calling and are so exciting to be welcoming a new member to our little gang!
We're well aware that it's early days yet - Pea was conceived less than a fortnight ago. Things are looking good though - high temperatures, plenty of symptoms, only the faintest of pink spotting. We hope our baby is here to stay, and have no fear in planning as if this is the case. If the baby dies, it dies, but we don't want to pretend it never lived. We have faith for our little one to be around for many, many years yet.
I suspected Pea was in evidence on Tuesday - my birthday - the first time I've ever seen anything non-imaginary on a pregnancy test during the time limit. So faint though, and Michael seems to think that internet cheapy tests make up pregnancies just for the fun of it. The line got darker and darker as the days went by, and on Friday I finally cracked out a digital test to prove my doubting beloved wrong!
It was very good to have proof, because if I wasn't pregnant then I was not sure what could be wrong with me! Nauseous, pathetically weak, sleepy, no pmt, weird bitter taste in my mouth and amazing x-ray style sense of smell. Oh and incredibly sore breasts - a kind of electric, lime green soreness. This is useful, as if I become anxious that little Pea has somehow dropped out without me noticing, a short, sharp nipple prod is all it takes to assure me that she is still very much in evidence!
Food is interesting...my meals aren't much bigger, but I feel the need for a lot of small snacks. Savoury too - sweet has lost a lot of its appeal. Are savoury 'cravings' meant to mean boy? I can't remember. I've refrained from slugs, snails and puppy dog's tails though. Give that little Pea consists of three layers of cells at the moment, I suppose musing on his/her gender is a little premature.
It's lovely how excited other people are. My mum was a little shocked, to say the least, but the reaction is entirely positive. Babies are the best news there is! Most of our real-life friends won't be told for some time, so having online people to share the excitement with is really lovely. I had a trip to Mothercare this morning, just because I have a valid reason to now, and it was great to feel bump solidarity rather than bump envy. Not that I have a bump, but I am pregnant, and free to plan for my baby! Other than the bumps, and spying on a lady with an Xplory, the visit was fairly dull as I'm not really a Mothercare kind of girl. I did get rather soggy over the sleepsuits though. My own sleepsuit-wearer! We are blessed indeed.
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